im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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