U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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