drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
