Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
