is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
