Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
