your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am midnight drunk by noon
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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