I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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