I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I met the friendliest cop last night
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
