so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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