mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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