Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
