thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
