i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize