There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
