I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
