Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
