You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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