The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize