Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
