Someone shit on the floor
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dick very happy bro
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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