dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize