So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize
