we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
