had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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