I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
