Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
