Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
