Dude my mom stole all your condoms
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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