im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
