No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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