The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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