I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
