GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
