I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
