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• (636): View more from Missouri

  dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

  (1-636): View more from Missouri

  when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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• (714): View more from California

  she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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• (315): View more from New York

  My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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• (523): View more from

  Hey did where's my bong?

  (1-523): View more from

  In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

  (523): View more from

  Should I bother to ask?

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...

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• (914): View more from New York

  Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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• (353): View more from

  I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket

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