the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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