I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
