He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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