for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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