Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
