so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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