I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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