Don't make out with my wife yet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have feelings that need drinking.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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