I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm both gender and math confused
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
