Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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