You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
