soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
