I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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