you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
