There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
