once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm like, not good at living.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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