I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
