Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
