i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
