note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
where does the pee come out of this thing
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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