He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize